By Worried it’s too late to find love? Don’t be! The number of adults over 50 using dating sites has recently doubled—which means Mr. Right is out there waiting for you. Here, experts share practical and empowering strategies to help you find love at any age, including simple tweaks that’ll make your online dating profile shine and easy ways to help you make the first (virtual) “move,” so that you can take your online chat to real-world date in no time.
Ask yourself 3 questions
Before focusing on who we want to date, look within to discover what you most value, says dating coach Sandy Weiner, founder of Last First Date and author of Love at Last: True Stories of Falling in Love Later in Life. “After a divorce or breakup, it’s easy to lose sight of ourselves, so ask yourself, ‘Who am I now? What did I give up to keep the peace? Which facets of myself do I long to reclaim?’ Reflecting on who you were in your last relationship will help you see who you want to be moving forward.”
Turn to your friends first
You may think the first step to finding romance after being out of the dating scene for a while is going on, well, a date. Not so fast, says dating expert Charly Lester. “The best thing to do is spend more time with your friends,” she says. “They’ll remind you what an amazing person you are and that you’re a great catch, which will increase your self-confidence.” This boost will help you overcome past hurts, such as divorce or insecurities, that may be holding you back. “Then you’ll be in the right frame of mind to open up to the possibility of love.”
Go at your own pace
“After my divorce, I found it hard to look at photos on dating sites—so I knew I wasn’t ready yet,” says dating consultant Karen Haddigan, author of Secrets of Dating After Fifty. She adds that it’s okay to be gun-shy. “Get to know yourself better by expanding your social circle without the intention of dating. I went out with hiking groups, for example. Acquaint yourself with the new you because she is different after what you’ve been through.”
Rewrite your script
We all have internal messages we tell ourselves—and what yours says can impact how lucky you’ll be in love, reveals dating coach Bela Gandhi, founder of Smart Dating Academy. “If you repeat a negative script, such as ‘I’m too old to start dating again,’ you’ll block your chances of romantic success,” she says. But positive affirmations such as “Love is not an if, but a when,” fosters a more optimistic mindset, which motivates you to keep trying and sets the stage for success.
Spark excitement for the future
If memories of a past relationship have kept you from seeking new love, there’s a simple solution: Try something new! “As we get older, we tend to do the same activities and develop a routine,” explains Cassie Zampa-Keim, relationship coach and author of Finding Love After 50. But when we branch out— say, by joining a bowling league or volunteering—it helps us move forward. “You’ll meet new people and have different experiences, which helps you let go of fear and learn to trust again,” she says.
Pinpoint what you truly want
Get out a piece of paper and divide it into two columns, Francine Russo, a journalist specializing in social science and relationships and author of Love After 50: How to Find It, Enjoy It, and Keep It. “Think about your last relationship, and write the qualities that made you unhappy, like, ‘He wasn’t emotionally there for me.’” This tally of negative traits helps you more clearly see what it is you do want. “In the second column, jot down the attributes you’re looking for, like ‘giving.’ I know a woman who wasn’t in a great relationship until she was 70, when she finally found an equal, loving partner. It really is never too late.”
Indeed, shifting your expectations is key to finding love again. “The most common mistake I see in women 50 and over is that they look for a partner who’s just like their last one,” adds Lester. But you’ve probably changed significantly from the person you were when you first started dating. For example, maybe you were once drawn to the silent type, but now you’d prefer someone who easily shares his feelings. Says Lester, “It’s important to go into dating with an open mind and look for someone who makes the current version of you happy.”
Make your online profile shine
Not sure what to write in your online dating profile? Make a list of activities you enjoy and keep adding to it, suggests Haddigan. “Before you know it, your profile will write itself,” she says, adding that it’s important to be as specific as possible to attract the kind of person you want. “Rather than just say you love gardening, for example, write that your latest batch of cherry tomatoes is about to be picked.’ I know someone who wrote, ‘I love the feel of the air when I get off the plane in Hawaii.’ A short phrase like this packs so much information: They love traveling, warm weather and adventure. Someone else wrote, ‘I love doing the dishes while dancing to Motown.’ There’s no one else like you, so don’t be afraid to show who that is.”
Cast a wider net
“When we date later in life, we tend to be much more honest and have deeper conversations,” says Weiner, who encourages opening up to new possibilities. “Consider widening your preferences,” she says. “If you’re only dating within a five-mile radius, say, or a three-year age range, broadening your horizons just a bit can make a huge difference.”
Make the first move
“Men appreciated when I took initiative,” recalls Haddigan. What to say in that first message? “Keep it simple, like, ‘Hi, I checked out your profile and you sound interesting. Tell me more about X.’ And remember, shared interests aren’t as important as shared values. If he loves pickleball and you don’t, that’s not a deal-breaker,” she says with a laugh. “Simply being curious and asking meaningful questions will help you determine if a first date has the potential to become something more.”
